Girls On The Gridiron

I just realized last night I don’t have enough days in CA to do what I had thought we should do…

Back to the drawing board….

argh…

Whhooo Hoooo! I have tomorrow off.

I’ve been disproportionately happy the whole day. I think to celebrate, I’m going to re-order the bedroom closet, which is a complete mess.

That’s right…. I’m a loner Dottie, a rebel…

Why is Hollywood so obsessed with poker? Of course, this question is coming from someone with the attention span of a household gnat.

I have reason for hating cards. When I was around 10 or so, my mom sent me to St. John’s for summer camp. I was psyched, because they had such a good sports program. This was the 80s though, so the boys did sports and the girls played cards. The one day I got up the guts to get a counselor to take me to the boys side, they made a huge deal about it, and told me I couldn’t keep playing because then a counselor would have to stay to watch.

Two days later, I refused to take the bus there. I guess it was one of my first feminist stances.=)

So the entry earlier..I gave it some thought. I admit, I don’t even know what Zen study would mean to someone like me. I don’t believe in anything other than the present.. no god, no “other” that I can’t grasp. I only believe in the now, in what is.

So what does that leave to study? I did figure out though that I think it was the group structure that turned me off. It was the commitment of time, and money. The retreats, and the days off and the money. It was a lot of money to a kid starting out and still in school. I’ll never forget my friend, who called it “The upper middle way.” I was on an unnameable website recently, and saw that you can apply to study with a particular teacher, after you’ve reached a certain “donor level.” Crap like that drives me crazy. But mostly it was the time.

I just feel like there is so much to be learned by living. Contemplating my breathing is all well and good and I’ve done that for hours at a time. But after that is done, isn’t all that I’m left with just the now? And if it is, isn’t that enough?

In my life I think I’ve been lucky enough to have some unique experiences. And I’ve had other experiences that just sucked ass. Those sum total of things have made me who I am right now. And who that person is will change, in just this next moment.

I have a few loves in my life. Dan. My family. The ability to learn. The ability to play. My close friends.

These loves can be given to me by no one but myself, can be valued by no one but myself. Is that who I am? I think so, it is a large part of it. I take joy in the fact that everyday I am alive. I take joy in the fact that I wake up every morning healthy, and even strong. I take joy in the fact that I love and am loved. And to my that is living.

I’ve also spent some time thinking about work. What it means to me and where I want to go. I discovered within myself a fierce pride in my ability to financially provide for my other half while he pursues his dreams. I discovered that my being able to do that makes getting up and going to work worth it, every single day. Because when I come home, he is there and he is happy.

So yea. I may be in a bit of an existential whirlpool right now. But that’s okay. And worrying about missed opportunities does nothing, for all that i have in my life would have been missed, otherwise.

I just hope that as I get older, I get wiser and learn from what I’ve done right and wrong.

I guess it’s that time of year and I’m trying to look out of my bubble.

The NY Times, my favorite paper, had a sweet article about this project, where photographers donated their time to take professional photos of kids up for adoption. The kids are all in NJ, and their are plenty of them. I thought that the most heartbreaking page was the one with siblings, who want to be adopted together.

A few of my friends are adopted and a few of my mom’s friends have started to adopt. Growing up, when I determined there was no way I would ever get married, I pictured myself as retired, rich, about 60, with a huge group of adopted kids that I put through college. I figured I could swing like 3 at a time.

Now that I’m getting married, I realize if I have kids, they will probably be my own. Although I have never discussed this with the other half, I still would like to at some point, provide a home for foster or adopted kids.

Growing up with my mom a caseworker for child services, I used to go with her to the “field” which was the slums of Jamaica, Queens. There, we would go visit kids who had been abused or neglected. A few times we took them home on route to the office and fed them before dropping them off.

I met a number of kids that way, who varied in age and skin color, but pretty much seemed to me to be just like me, just with more messed up families. I didn’t understand why they didn’t have a home and why their parents wouldn’t love them like they should.

My mom left in the 90s, when they tripled her caseload. She was going into the field and pulling kids out of people homes with no backup or police protection. My mom is like 5-4, so it was actually safer for her in law enforcement, which is what she switched into.

But those early years going with my mom on those visits have always stuck with me. It showed me that there were worse people than my father and worse ways to live. But most of all, it showed me that there are tons of kids out there with no one to love them. And all they want, is to be kids, and have a place to call home.

I’m not a warmonger. But I’ve always liked the military and considered joining a thousand times over.

Despite my current complete disagreement with our current president’s stance in Iraq, I still think we should remember the individuals, the young and older men and women stationed there who live their daily lives in a war zone. Our troops are not responsible for our foreign policy.

My mother told me her ex-boyfriend’s story once. He was a 20 year old kid, poor as heck, just back from a tour in Vietnam. In the airport on the way home he was in his uniform. A woman called him baby killer and spat on him before walking away.

Robert was not responsible for Vietnam. He was drafted and he went. But he didn’t deserve what he got when he returned.

My mom was talking to me recently and had been solicited at the post office to send a calling card to Iraq for a service member. She was surprised to learn that the troops have to pay to call home.

I had already known that, but it struck me as really sad. Most of these people don’t make very much money and have little control over where they are deployed. The typical service member probably doesn’t have the extra 50 cents a minute needed to have a decent, in-depth conversation with home, a few times a week. Or whenever they need, which given the conditions there, is probably a lot.

So I did some hunting around and found a link for donating the cards. Prices vary, but I thought it was one way people might like to help out the people who are over there, in our prolonged war.

The link is on the right.

I had a teacher my senior year of high school who used to end a lot of sentences like that. I found it hysterical, but probably because it was Catholic school. He also used to take his notes for class while he was driving. I didn’t believe him until I actually saw them, and they really did look like he took them in the car.

So nothing too exciting here. Have two seconds to breathe at work, always a nice change. My back is killing me, but hopefully that will go away soon.

My bro and I played tennis (not why my back hurts) two days ago. It was warm enough (like 40 something) so out we went. After this loooonnnggg of a winter, we weren’t passing on sunshine. It’s even nicer today, but we’re off to the in-laws, so no tennis for me. Hopefully, I’ll get some in this weekend.

I feel SO much better, like a different person, when it’s warm out. I always think my life would be completely different if we live in CA instead and I could have Sunshine every day. I can barely even imagine it.

And throw in sports with the warm weather and you just have the happiest little pumpkin in the world.

I’ve used pumpkin twice today, so that’ll be our word of the day.=)

Speaking of CA, I made our reservations for our first night a 2 hour drive from the airport. We’re going to road trip from San Diego to Seattle, with tons of camping thrown in. Problem was, the last flight to San Diego was too close to the wedding, so we’re going through Long Beach instead. So at first the 2 hour drive was an accident, but Dan doesn’t mind it, so I’m keeping it. I have my mind set on waking up the first morning in San Diego and nowhere else.

I guess we’re really off season, because the first two nights were really reasonable and it’s a resort. But it goes up 100% that Tuesday, so I think it’s the perfect time to start the camping portion of our trip. I’ll probably make the first 2 camping days in San Diego, because the first day we’ll probably just hang in the resort. =)

I can’t wait…..

California here we come, right back where we started from…..