Girls On The Gridiron

Not since I spent the summer working at Paul Newman’s camp for kids with cancer have I been so beset by self doubt.

Back then, doubt was a result of a slowly breaking heart, a byproduct of wallowing in a pain of watching the loss of innocence through the sufferings of physical illness. brave children matter of factly accepting a life filled with pain that would fall most adults, while my heart shattered into a thousand pieces because of my inability to stop their pain..

This isn’t that feeling, only because right now I’m too damned self centered. But it’s similar, as the vestiges of my former life rebel and scream and rip against the constraints of my new life and new understanding. No longer do I idealize law school or what it might mean to me.

Instead, I’m smack in the middle of it, wallowing in the opportunity I’ve been given, along with the responsibility it entails.

On one hand, I want to succeed so I can set onto my next career journey.
On the other hand, I want it to end, so I can have my evenings back and my weekends. So I no longer have to live with there ALWAYS being something else I need to be doing, whether work or school.

The sick part is that although my work has doubled on the job, there has been no concurrent increase in interest. Face it, compliance, on a daily basis, is about enforcement. Not all that interesting.

So if I kick back and let law school slip away, I leave myself back where I was before, in a job that pays well but has no intellectual challenge.

If I stay in school, I stay in a situation where my free moments are further and fewer between and my ability to handle it all crumbles beneath this brave, tough facade I’ve erected. Because damn it, 12 to 15 hour days 5 days a week isn’t cool, much less 7 days a week.

But if I blow it, I throw away a free education. i toss intellectual challenge and learning new things out the window. I waste my chance to recreate myself into something new.

So I continue with the 12 hour work days and the 8 hour ones with 4 hours of school. I continue to juggle reading, and late night vpn sessions and gasping for air, rest and a break on the weekend. All while I watch my reading skip further away form me, the class discussions go onto topics I haven’t yet mastered. The ordering of my mind to allow space for this new method of thinking, this new world with discrete rules but varied applications.

I have NO idea why I am doing this.

I wish I could just take a break..

Um, can we say conspiracy?

Oh yes we can, boys and girls…

Maybe I should send him my earlier blog entry.

The cynical part of me wondered if this was happening, but wasn’t willing to admit it in print..

Because, come on, that would be horrible right?

I mean, to be a republican. They’ve made oddles of cash off the war, off Katrina & the “oil crisis” and now the pandemic..

We should be embarrassed for our country..

But holy crap, haven’t they raped the American people for enough yet. Do they really need to make more money?

Fucking shameful..

oh yea..cnn is conservative, so how bad is it if they’re writing this one up?

I’ll blog on this later, but the Times wrote about college football and prayer. I’m “studying” now..

I was the only one on my professional football team to stand to the side while the entire rest of the team prayed. Exclusionary doesn’t begin to describe it.

Well, she’s gone.

While I’m happy that another one of Bush’s cronies won’t be elected to the highest court in the land, I’m a tad bit nervous. For two reasons:
1) Conservative backlash is that the openly Christian Miers was too conservative on abortion
2) I don’t think he’ll try appointing another woman.

So there, I’ve said my piece. I never believed that the devil we know is better then the one we don’t, but boys and girls, I don’t think this is going to be a good one…

Unless the good ole D party can keep delaying the remaining nomination until the end of the shrub’s term..

In case you think I exaggerate about the preponderance of the 4X4 plague in my town..

Yesterday, I was almost hit head on by an SUV driving…around a puddle.

AROUND the puddle…

I guess they didn’t want to get their bright, shiny BMW 4X4…say it with me people…dirty

Or wet…

Because 4X4s cant handle bad weather… right?

{banging head repeatedly into wall}