Not since I spent the summer working at Paul Newman’s camp for kids with cancer have I been so beset by self doubt.
Back then, doubt was a result of a slowly breaking heart, a byproduct of wallowing in a pain of watching the loss of innocence through the sufferings of physical illness. brave children matter of factly accepting a life filled with pain that would fall most adults, while my heart shattered into a thousand pieces because of my inability to stop their pain..
This isn’t that feeling, only because right now I’m too damned self centered. But it’s similar, as the vestiges of my former life rebel and scream and rip against the constraints of my new life and new understanding. No longer do I idealize law school or what it might mean to me.
Instead, I’m smack in the middle of it, wallowing in the opportunity I’ve been given, along with the responsibility it entails.
On one hand, I want to succeed so I can set onto my next career journey.
On the other hand, I want it to end, so I can have my evenings back and my weekends. So I no longer have to live with there ALWAYS being something else I need to be doing, whether work or school.
The sick part is that although my work has doubled on the job, there has been no concurrent increase in interest. Face it, compliance, on a daily basis, is about enforcement. Not all that interesting.
So if I kick back and let law school slip away, I leave myself back where I was before, in a job that pays well but has no intellectual challenge.
If I stay in school, I stay in a situation where my free moments are further and fewer between and my ability to handle it all crumbles beneath this brave, tough facade I’ve erected. Because damn it, 12 to 15 hour days 5 days a week isn’t cool, much less 7 days a week.
But if I blow it, I throw away a free education. i toss intellectual challenge and learning new things out the window. I waste my chance to recreate myself into something new.
So I continue with the 12 hour work days and the 8 hour ones with 4 hours of school. I continue to juggle reading, and late night vpn sessions and gasping for air, rest and a break on the weekend. All while I watch my reading skip further away form me, the class discussions go onto topics I haven’t yet mastered. The ordering of my mind to allow space for this new method of thinking, this new world with discrete rules but varied applications.
I have NO idea why I am doing this.
I wish I could just take a break..